If TV Did “Popular” Photography
In the wake of the deluge of “talent” shows, which has seen “talented” people battle, week in week out, to survive to the next round – including riveting subjects as:-
- Baking Cakes
- Cooking Food
- Being a Drag Queen
- Growing Vegetables
- oh – and singing…
Here’s an idea for a Photography Format… based on the tried and tested formats above.
- So we start with a new format, which we will of course send to the americans, with the word “American” tagged on the front of the chosen name. The name will be hooked to “David Bailey” in some way, because he is the only photographer in the UK
- We will need 3-4 judges – a couple who are touchy feely and cry a lot, a camp man (doesn’t have to be gay, but helps) and a harsh, evil truth teller…. maybe the Legend that is Bailey
- Of course, we’ll only have to do “popular” photography, which will be portraits of SLEBS and fashion, using SELBS as models… as programming without SLEBS is not alllowed – popular entertainment show producers have no interest in SLEBLESS programming
- In the later stages, we will of course use send the Togs to high pressured commercial studios to push them “to their limits” and see if they can work “at this level”
- Most shoots will be in a fake “glitzy photo studio”, made in a TV studio, to avoid the reality of the industry as far as possible and allow TV camera access
- Photoshoots will form no more than 3% of the show – and there will be no explanation of “what they are doing”, just the odd “sound bite” when “things go wrong”
- Introducing technical terms like “F-Stop” or “Softbox” will educate and inform, so must be avoided.
- Competitor Photographers will be able to “jeer” and “question” every move their fellow make – planting seeds of doubt and causing angst, and in an ideal world, heated arguments and fisticuffs
- The director will make the camera man run around a lot, getting in the way, zooming in on the Tog’s lens a lot as the shoot progresses.
- Fast paced “Euro-dance” style music will accompany the “shoot”
- A full day of shooting must be condensed to 3 minutes of “highlights”
- There will be no reasoned critique – just over the top hyperbole or denigration of the resultant images
- There will be very little explanation of how they achieve the photos – rather a focus on their inspiration, preferably a recently deceased relative or mentor.
- Personal adversity will be a bonus and encouraged. Contestants without a “sob story” should be given one and coached in the art of crying.
- Parents – or better still, grand parents – are to be “cut to” at every available opportunity, and encouraged to cry with chopped onions.
- When the votes are cast – there will be a “fake dramatic delay” of no less than 20 seconds after the compère says “And the tog leaving us to days is……”
- Exit Music for the leaving Tog will be “You lift me up” or “wind beneath my wings” – and tunes from the same stable – with a summary of their “best bits” playing over it.
Right – off to buy my yacht, this one is going GLOBAL!